Ever wondered what would happen if Vampire Survivors had a one-night stand with a budget RPG and forgot to call back? Well, Black Dragon Mage is that unexpected lovechild, complete with pixelated daddy issues and a concerning lack of depth. But like that weird cousin who's really good at exactly one party trick, it's got its moments.

Ever wondered what it's like to experience a mental breakdown while trying to perfectly squirt exactly three drops of ketchup on a burger? Well, strap on that virtual name tag because Fast Food Simulator is here to give you all the workplace trauma without the actual paycheck.

Ever wondered what it would be like to run your own movie studio while fighting with a UI that seems designed by a drunk monkey with a vendetta against edge scrolling? Well, Blockbuster Inc. is here to answer that question, and boy, is it a mixed bag of popcorn.

Ever wondered what would happen if XCOM had a drunken one-night stand with FTL while watching Pirates of the Caribbean? Well, Rogue Waters is that beautiful bastard child. It's a tactical roguelite that combines ship-to-ship combat with turn-based boarding action, serving up a platter of strategy with a side of "yarr" that's both engaging and slightly undercooked.

Ever wondered what happens when you take a beloved mech franchise, sprinkle it with some Clan warfare, and somehow still end up with more bugs than features? Well, strap into your neurohelmet, because MechWarrior 5: Clans is here to show us exactly that.

Ranch Simulator is the kind of game that makes you forget you've been playing for 9 hours straight while trying to build the perfect pig empire. It's like someone took the best bits of Farming Simulator, sprinkled in some Minecraft-style building, and added just enough chaos to keep you coming back for more.

Ever wondered what it's like to be the most hated person on a football field? Well, now you can live out your dreams of ruining matches and making grown men cry for less than the price of a post-match beer.

Ever wondered what would happen if one person tried to make their own The Last of Us meets What Remains of Edith Finch? Well, Once Alive is here to show us the ambitious results of that exact fever dream, Turkish dubbing included.

Ever wondered what it would feel like if Microsoft took everything that worked in MSFS 2020, threw it in a blender with some new features, and then served it through servers made of wet cardboard? Well, buckle up buttercr- just kidding, you can't buckle up because the textures haven't loaded yet.

Ever wondered what it would be like to run a supermarket without dealing with Karen demanding to speak to your manager? Well, Grocery Store Simulator lets you live that dream, minus the existential dread of actual retail work. Though with the recent 1.0 update, we might need to add "it's complicated" to our relationship status with this one.

Ever wondered what would happen if a single person tried to create their own version of Europa Universalis while hopped up on energy drinks and sheer determination? Well, wonder no more because Age of History 3 is here to show us exactly that, and holy shit, it's actually pretty good... mostly.

Ever wanted to be a medieval ruler but thought Crusader Kings III had too few complaints about furniture distribution? Thrive: Heavy Lies The Crown is here to remind you that even in the Dark Ages, people really cared about their work-life balance.

Ever wanted to build a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier while roleplaying as Belgium? Götterdämmerung is here to drain your wallet and possibly melt your CPU.

Ever wondered what it's like to work a soul-crushing job where every task might actually kill you? Threshold answers that question with a wheezing "yes" and throws in some existential workplace horror for good measure.

Finally, after enough development hell to make Duke Nukem Forever look punctual, STALKER 2 has emerged from the Zone. Like finding a valuable artifact in a whirling anomaly, it's simultaneously brilliant and potentially hazardous to your hardware's health.

Ever wanted to be an ant commander in a photorealistic garden? Well, Empire of the Ants delivers exactly that – but whether that's what ant enthusiasts actually wanted is another story entirely. Like finding out your dream ant farm is just a pretty picture of one, this game is simultaneously impressive and disappointing.

The game that launched a thousand lunch breaks has finally made its way to Steam, and like a well-aged pepperoni, it's only gotten better with time. Papa's Pizzeria Deluxe takes the Flash game classic we all pretended to play for "educational purposes" on school computers and cranks the sauce up to eleven.

Let's get the elephant in the nuclear bunker out of the way: No, this isn't Half-Life: Alyx. But comparing every VR game to Alyx is like comparing every burger joint to that one amazing place you had in Tokyo – it's just setting yourself up for disappointment. Metro Awakening is its own beast, and while it might not be a revolution, it's definitely more than just another VR shooting gallery.

Remember Gladius? That Warhammer 40K 4X game that was basically "what if Civilization, but everyone's permanently pissed off"? Well, Proxy Studios just dropped ZEPHON, and holy hell, it's like they took everything they learned from Gladius, gave it a shot of personality steroids, and created something that might just make Games Workshop jealous.

Let's get one thing straight: if H.P. Lovecraft made a card game, it probably wouldn't be this random – and this is coming from a guy who wrote about cosmic chaos for a living. Menace from the Deep looks like a slam dunk on paper: gorgeous Lovecraftian art, solid atmosphere, and deck-building mechanics that should work smoother than a cultist's sales pitch. Unfortunately, it plays like someone shuffled the rules with a tentacle.